Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Scientist unearth Missing link in Redneck Evolution



Tickfaw Louisiana-
A project effort from leading scientists from LSU and Tulane Universities have discovered possibly the most important fossil remains of homoredneckus, the south Louisiana redneck. The find was accidentally discovered by Troy "T Bo" Skallens while pulling the straight six engine from his 1967 Buick. "The damn hoist snapped right when the motor was up in the air and the whole shootin' match dropped down in the mud. I had to dig a pit around it in order to run the hoist chain underneath and when ol' Cletus stuck his shovel in the mud, he hit something that went kinda "crunch". We got an hold post hole digger and commenced to gettin' all that mud out and damned if we didn't see this skeleton lookin' thing. I gotta buddy that does drywall work down at the college (LSU -ed) and asked him to get one of those science guys to come take a look. Shit, he was here faster than a bulldog in heat." Scientist Mathew Salmon comments; "I received a phone call from an old acquantiest describing a skeleton he found and it sure sounded like the missing link we have been searching for for decades. Could it be homorednecknus, the link between apes and rednecks? I was so excited i wet my pants. Well, I changed and rushed to the scene. It was hard to find because the road signs on all those gravel roads out there are full of bullet holes, and from my amateur forensics, i would say a 12 gauge loaded with #2 shot.  I made it to the scene, located which car in Mr. Scallen's front yard had the dig, and almost wept when I saw the find."  Salmon called the archaeological team at LSU and organized the extraction process, moving the skeleton into a temporary sealed tent enclosure similar to the one used on the movie "ET".  Upon closer study it became apparent that these remains are indeed the link they have been looking for.  Careful examination shows the mullet style haircut, poor posture, and excessively long fingernails so common among modern day rednecks. But Salmon is quick to point out characteristics that cloud the issue. "It appears that all teeth are intact and appear in good shape, a definite departure from the modern homoredneckus.  Additionally, there does not appear to be any bullet holes caused from accidental shotgun misfires in the feet or lower limbs". Still, Salmon is convinced that there is no question to the authenticity of these remains.
"Leap of faith"
There has been a frenzy of activity among the rednecks who claim that they can see an image of Jeff Gordon, famous NASCA driver, in the skeleton (see image above).  "This is where science crosses over to myth, and is utterly ridiculous", says Salmon.   "In order to keep riots from occurring, we plan to prove this as a scam, not unlike that "Shroud of Turin" nonsense.  Still, the rednecks are convinced in their belief. "Shit, Jeff is the greatest ever, and we ain't nuts or blind. Look your self!".  Rednecks from six southern states have assembled in Tickfaw demanding to see the skeleton first hand. "It was rough" says State Trooper Ernie Trout, "So far, we have confiscated over 700 shotguns and 2,000 knives of various length".

The skeleton, "Bubba" has been moved to Washington DC for further examination




Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Some Technological "Advancements"


My friend Jeff likes to quote a famous saying from back in the early days of the computer frenzy.  "Computers are going to improve our efficiency and we will have much more free time".   People now spend most of their waking life (and ALL of their free time) in front of a computer.  By the way, Jeff is a pilot and flies one of those "aerobatic" airplanes, the ones you see at airshows that are spinning around in all sorts of ridiculous ways in an apparent attempt to rip the wings off a perfectly good aircraft.  Jeff took me up one time for some "fun", in a Cessna 152 Aerobat.  These old Cessna planes are small, rickety, underpowered, and annoying to ride in, much less have to drive.  So anyway, we get up in in the air and jeff starts all that violent maneuver nonsense, and of course i start feeling sick right away.  I find the experience akin to closing yourself up in a small closet and then  slinging yourself against the walls in violent and random fashion, upside down, after taking ipecac (drug that induces nausea).  Jeff starts doing these things called "lazy eights", and then the "Hurl Guarantee" move, a "negative G pushover".  There went lunch, right out the window.  When we landed i had to clean the spew off the side of the plane with some ditch water and a greasy rag.
Doesn't that all sound like fun?  It's as bad as parachuting, no, I think worse.  A big mystery is why these high performance (and very expensive) aerobatic airplanes have propellers.    Pretty lame compared to a plane with a real powerplant, a JET ENGINE.  You wanna have some fun and get some attention?  Come in 20 feet off the deck at 400 knots with a jet in full afterburner.  THAT, my friends, is real fun and entertainment.    


(Left: Cesna 150, shame of the aviation community,  Right: F15 Eagle, a real aircraft)

A final note, my friend Jeff is a really good aerobatic pilot.  He won first place at the US National Championships as well as lots of other prizes.  He's also a safe pilot, I would fly with him anytime (as long as the wings stay level to the ground haha).

Technological Advancement #1, the Food Processor

Left, 1950s food processor, Right 2000 food processor.
My 1950s food processor has a handle, 3 blades, and one moving part.  It is fast, easy to use, and cleans up in about 10 seconds.
The 2000 processor consists of about 20 parts that must be all 1)dragged out of the bottom of the cabinet, piled on the  counter, assembled, and plugged in before it is of any use whatsoever. After chopping up 3 onions, you then have to dissasemnble it, put all the pieces in the dishwasher, and put the motor part back under the cabinet.  Also, since you the motor base is electric you cannott wash it, so oer time it starts getting all sorts of disgusting crud built up in the cracks and crevices.  After the dishwasher finishes you unload the parts and put them back in the cabinet.  After a couple of years you go buy a new one because they are designed to have short lives (which is a necessary thing in order to keep consumerism, the cornerstone of our country, alive).

#2 - the mobile phone.
Prior to this lovely device, you only had to endure the pain of talking on the phone when you were home and felt like it.  Now you are able to enjoy this agony 24 hours a day, no matter where you go, it follows you.  Visits to the doctor's office used to mean an escape, nobody could find you, and you could relax in the waiting room.  no more.  Nobdy seems to understand the rule "Just because it rings does not mean you have to answer it".  People grab for their phones like it was on fire.  A person could be doing CPR on you and if their phone rang, they'd drop you like a hot potoato "just a sec, i really need to get this".  Whoever invented the cell phone should be quartered and drawn, keelhauled, chopped up and fed to the rats.

#3 the riding lawnmower.
FOlks used to have to push a small mower for hours to get their grass cut.  they would expend a couple of thousand calories in the process as well as toning up those muscles.  We now sit our fat asses on a riding mower and then go inside and write a check to the local gym for $60 a month so we can go work out to expend calories and tone up muscles.

#4  The Moden Plastic Vacuum Cleaner

As a kid i remember my grandmother "vacuuming" the rugs in her house.  Her vacuum was basically a box thing that was on the floor and a handle.  The box had two of those brush rollers just like modern ones have, but they were mechanically driven with gears or something.  As you pushed the thing, the rollers worked against each other and forced the brushes against the carpet, picking up all the crud in the rug.  It was tough to push because you were using your body strength to drive the rollers instead of a motor.  Every couple of minutes you would empty the box into a trash can.  Her rugs always looked and smelled clean.  Oh, and it worked quite well before electricity was run to their farm house.  I think she must have used it for 40 years.
Today, vacuums are made of extraordinarly cheap plastic and now they look like rocket ships (i.e. "dyson" see above left photo).  They have lame underpowered motors that last about a year or two.  The handles, hinges, bolting points and such are all plastic and are designed to break a day after the warranty expires.  AFter a few months of use, the plastic pieces dont fit together so well and if you bump the vacuum while running, you can see little clouds of dust escaping.  hepa filter shmepa filter.  its BS marketing.
After a few minutes of marginally effective vacuuming, you write the check to the gym to get the exercise that you did not get pushing a real vacuum device.
I will say that the first electric vacs were pretty well built.  They were all metal, and built like tanks.  And unlike the garbage you buy now at walmart, these units were designed to be serviced and repaired.  My 92 year old neighbor Naomi put her 1950s Royal out at the curb because it quit working.  I grabbed it and popped it up on my bench.  After a minute or two of dissasembly, i found the problem, the motor bearing just needed some grease.  I added grease, reassembled, and turned it on.  It worked perfectly.  I brought it back to Naomi and she was so happy that she baked me a sour cream apple pie, which is possibly the best desert I have ever had.  I am going to ask her to add me to her will (for the royal). I bet it will last me 30 more years.






Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The questionable use of "Dr." for Chiropractors

I have a good chiropractor scam story to tell. These folks call themselves "doctors" but I was always suspicious of this because I thought that they never went to medical school. So I did some research. Turns out I was totally right, here are the requirements: TWO years of college, 3 years at a chiropractor school, and one year of bending people under supervision. In comparison, the requirements for a real doctor are : A four year college degree with a substantially high GPA (like near 4.0), four years of medical school, two years of internship/residency, then another couple of years in specialization.

Now let me quickly say that chiropractors are essential in helping many people with spine problems, but mostly what they do is the mechanical part, i.e, the actual bending and snapping to get things back in line. From the diagnostic perspective, any MD is just as capable.

Here are two experiences I have had with chiropractors. I expect a deluge of hate mail from chiropractors on this . "There are of course bad apples in our profession, you are an idiot for deriving an opinion based on just two experiences".
The most common complaint is that regardless of what is wrong with you, they will always recommend a "lifetime of adjustments". That appears to be how they stay in business.

Experience 1
I sustained a rather severe knee injury when I was 18. One day I was hanging out with my friend George who is a chiropractor; my knee popped and I limped a bit.
"What's wrong with your knee?"
"Oh, it just goes out sometimes"
"I can fix that".
He didn't even know what was wrong.
That's a rather cocky attitude if you ask me. If I could go back in time, I would have replied "George, I don't even have a leg, my prostheses just needs the bearings greased". There is not an MD on this planet that would have made such a statement without hearing what caused the damage, X-rays, and a thorough examination. Only then would they let me know if they could do any sort of repair.
A short while later it got worse so I went to an orthopedic surgeon. He did a full examination and found that substantial arthritis had set in and the kneecap was damaged. The only chance at a repair would involve surgery, which he did not recommend. Chiropractors are not allowed to have any knives, much less a scalpel in their clinics.

Experience 2:
One February I started back running after a lapse in the winter. After a few runs I begin having hip pains when I ran. I had a race coming up soon and my cube mate at work told me he had the same thing and that a chiropractor might be able to fix it quickly with onef those "adjustments" and get me back in the race. I made an appointment and went in. I was worried right away when the only thing i saw were fat people and rows of bizarre looking couches. The first thing they did was take about 40 X-rays; I did not even meet with the chiro first. After they developed them, the chiro came in, put the xray of my back up on a light box and proceeded to start drawing all sorts of lines on it with a ruler and grease pencil. After a few minutes and about 50 lines, she finally started talking to me.
"Here are the problems with your spine". She went on to discuss many of these grease lines and telling me what was wrong using big words.
"So... um, can you fix my hip?"
"I am setting you up with daily adjustments for the first two weeks, then 3 adjustments for the next two weeks, then once a month from there out".
"Um, that's a lot of visits, is that really necessary?"
"Your spine has to be proper in order for you body to work right".
"How long do i have to do these monthly visits"
"oh, forever of course".
"That's a lot of money...."

I ran from that clinic (located between a tuxedo shop and a Quizno's), and went to see a sports doctor located in the same building as a shoe store. I was seated in the exam room when the door busted open and a guy in short polyester "coaching shorts", white ankle socks, white running shoes, a polo shirt, and "handsome man hair" came in. "Doctor Chuck Schick, damned glad to meet you !!!" he barked out, while shaking my hand, crushing every bone. Following right behind him was a girl dressed the same has him with bleach blond hair and from her looks, I would assume had a night job at Hooters. She had this high tech looking roll-around stand with a laptop on it. She was typing everything he said, probably even the "Chuck Schick, damned glad to meet you" comment. "Doctor" Schick was loud and boisterous, kind of like salesmen are. I told him about my hip pain and he asked me to lower my jeans down so he could look at it. Right in front of miss bimbo. I think this is illegal but I have to do some research on it. Regardless, this was highly inappropriate if you ask me. "You'll need to stop running on this for a while until it completely heals, maybe a couple of weeks or more". and blah blah blah. I paid my money and ran.
FINALLY I came to my senses and did what I should have done in the first place; I went to my regular physician, a real M.D. We chatted a bit and I told her the same thing I told those other idiots. "William, how many miles are you running a week?". "Oh, about 20 I think, I have a race coming up soon". "Cut that in half and give me a call in a week". I did as she said, the pain went away, and never returned.
Oh, and regarding the Chiroscammers; that was 15 years ago and to date, I have never had any back pain in any way, shape or form. My MD says my back and spine are just fine.