The Insanity of NASCAR

Note to readers:  I make much fun of rednecks in this post, but honest, I mean no harm. Hell, they laugh at themselves about this stuff.  I grew up with plenty of rednecks and many were worthless, but most were good people

Most folks associate NASCAR racing with rednecks, and with good reason;  most of the people that go to these races are rednecks.  Now, I grew up in south Louisiana in the epicenter of redneckville, Hammond, a skanky little town with a great college.  I was a redneck in my early years, complete with a chipped front tooth, beard, and a $400 pickup.  I never knew anything about NASCAR until several years ago when my brother Tommy went to a race with a friend.  Tommy is a hockey fan and pretty much knew nothing about racing either.  I talked to him a few days later and he said "NASCAR is FULL of rednecks; it's even worse than wrestling!"  This is a very, and I mean VERY strong claim.  As you know, I was a major fan of wrestling when I was around 11-12 years old and I can tell you that most of the fans at a wrestling match are challenged in every way, and are in need of substantial dental care.  My mom told Randall's mom that they should go with us one Saturday night wearing tight pink pants and curlers in their hair.  They'd blend right in.

So why all the fascination with NASCAR?  Because rednecks love watching wrecks!  Hell, we all do!  People like to see blood and guts and destruction of machinery.  The majority of the holdup in wreck-induced traffic jams is caused by people slowing to a near stop as they pass the wreckage hoping to see eyeballs and other such body parts strewn about.  I bet if the cops started taking license plates numbers and writing tickets that nonsense might stop.  People are so rude, they could care less that they are holding up everyone behind them.  A great deal of folks would be happy to pay a fine to have the chance to see a severed leg.

So anyway, I think the car race is like 500 laps or so, and I cannot conceive how watching cars go round and round 500 times can be entertaining.  Well, it's not, and that's why wrecks are so important to the sport.  Hats off to the engineers that design the cars;  these guys walk away from wrecks that consist of whacking a wall at 200 mph, flipping 46 times, smashing into Jeff Gordon (on purpose), catching fire, and finally ending upside down slowly spinning until the driver gets out.  In Talladega Nights, Ricky Bobby got out of his burning car and was convinced he was on fire, so he stripped down to his underwear and started running around with his helmet still on.  "RICKY BOBBY, YOU ARE NOT ON FIRE!" they shouted, but he just kept it up.  It's a stupid Will Ferrell movie, but there are a few great scenes worth the rental fee.

I mentioned this NASCAR stuff to my friend Kelly who's brother owns a helicopter and flys people home from the parking lot of the NASCAR track.  They pay a lot of money for this.  You know why?  Because the traffic caused by 200,000 educationally challenged people in huge trucks all trying to leave at once results in an EIGHT HOUR JAM.  Yes, you read correct;  it can take you up to eight hours to get out to the freeway.  Last year Kelly said that the even the wait for the chopper ride was up to a few hours.  Imagine being stuck in a truck (with a "lift kit") for eight hours, sunburned, drunk, full of hot dogs, and exhausted.  So I had this idea that all you need to do is park your car in somebody's driveway a few miles away (pay them 20 dollars or whatever), and simply walk.  On the way there, just stick your thumb out for a ride, and since country folks have good hearts, you'll get picked up right away.  After the race, even if you have to walk the whole way to your car, it will take you at most, an hour and a half.  but you can probably hitch it.  I advise riding in the back of the truck because inside it is going to smell like stale beer, hot dogs, and sweaty people.

Another fascinating part of NASCAR is how it is run.  How?  Major sponsors, that's how.  Every car has a massive sponsorship  that pays for the expenses.  Why would Home Depot piss away money on something as silly as car racing?  Well get this:  NASCAR fans are so rabid about their favorite driver that they buy all the products advertised on their car.  Yep, folks that follow the Tide car will only buy Tide detergent as well as stay only at Super 8 Motels, and buy only Kenmore washing machines.  NASCAR is totally, 100% about sponsorship.  Tommy said at the race he went to, the driver for Interstate Battery company got out of the car after the finish line and plopped an Interstate battery on the roof of the car, guaranteeing TV coverage for his sponsor.  And this is the best part... When the winner is being interviewed by the TV crews, people from the winner's  sponsor stand in the back of the driver and hold their product where the camera can see it.  I saw this on TV, these guys were holding bottles of Pepsi, moving as necessary to keep it in view at all times.  I think in the coat and tie world this is called "brand awareness".  I do see why this is so important, I mean, most folks have probably not heard of Pepsi.

Jeff Gordon is the most unpopluar driver in NASCAR.  Tommy says "He's queer and nobody likes him, but that guy can drive".   Fascinated by this statement, I searched a bit and found this on the web:

Jeff Gordon is too pretty to be in NASCAR.
Remember, NASCAR’s roots are in rebels souping up sedans and running whiskey away from the revenuers. When Jeff Gordon, a California boy, wanted to drive in NASCAR, Bill France should have stepped in with his mammoth fist and broke Gordon’s nose. Gordon’ probably would have decided that NASCAR is not a place for a California boy.

I bet Jeff is a nice guy,  and I figure his sexual preferences are his own business.  Tommy says he has a "hot" wife, although I can't back this statement up.  But if true, that aught to make the rednecks stop calling him a queer.

Note the cool sunglasses that Jeff is wearing.  NASCAR drivers wear sunglasses all the time, and also a ball cap.  It's required gear according to the rules.  If the officials see you wandering around signing autographs without these two items, they penalize you by putting 5 sacks of concrete in the trunk of your car for the race.

I love people who were sunglasses INDOORS when being interviewed on TV.  If I was the interviewer, as soon as the cameras were rolling I would ask "Oh, are these lights too bright, do you want me to dim them so you can take your sunglasses off?  No?,  well, you are too cool for me, so let me get another person to interview you."

But the insecure morons who wear sunglasses when the sun is not out is a whole 'nuther rant........