The agony I went through to see Bjork

I've been fascinated with Bjork since about 2001 ish when Vespertine came out. So when I saw she was touring North America, I snatched a ticket for the show in Montreal, which was the closest place she was playing to me. That's a long way to travel to see a show, but I had miles and thought it would be nice to hang out in Montreal for a couple of days.

I got to the park in the morning thinking I would hang out most of the day and then get in line for the show. Well, around noon, there were already thousands in line. I wanted to get as close as possible so i got in line. After 5 hours of sitting doing nothing and listening to the people around me all having fun speaking french, they finally opened the gates. It was like stampeding cattle. People all crammed up against each other to make sure that not a single person got past them.

After taking our tickets and passing through security, we were released to the back of the show area, a hundred acres outside with a stage at the far end. Everyone, including me, took off faster than Carl lewis for the stage. I got there in time to get pretty close, maybe about 20 people back from the stage. This is where it starting going downhill. I was already tired from hanging around this park all day with absolutely nothing to do and nobody to talk to (I don't speak french), so I decided to sit down as other folks were doing. But as more and more stampeding cattle came up, they were all jamming up against the back of us reducing my sitting area to literally the size of my butt. In order to sit down or stand up, I had to vertically rise in a space no wider than my body. i had nothing to drink or eat, thinking i would be able to get these things during the show.
After a couple of hours I asked the girl next to me if she had anything to drink and she gave me a apple juice box. That was the last thing I had until 11 pm.

After another hour or so, things started happening on stage so everyone stood up and packed even closer. This pretty much ended the chance of sitting down again.
Well, out came the warm up "band", which consisted of this hillbilly named "Will Oldham".

He and his straggly beard started playing an autoharp and playing some of the most boring and annoying music I have ever heard. He tortured us for an hour. When he announced he had one more song, the audience burst out in applause and sounds of joy. I would have rather watched drunk orangutans eating fish guts and vomiting all over each other, then licking the vomit out of each other's hair.

Another 45 minutes or so went by and we were all getting all geared up for Bjork. My body was killing me and my legs had divorced me an hour earlier.


Well, out comes.... the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Yes ANOTHER warm up "band". These guys are another one of those hipster bands that think they are too cool to have a bass player. The band consisted of a drummer, lead guitar, and a girl singer dressed in a ridiculous outfit with purple tights.
They finally started banging away and making all sorts of irritating noise. The first couple of songs were fun and a welcome relief from Will "Valium" Oldham. But after a few songs, this band showed their real colors. They were childish and were just doing the same old crap song after song, and it became apparent that they were rather amaturist. The singer had to keep pulling up her tights, about every minute or two, kind of like infants do with their diapers.

Finally, finally, they quit. Another 45 minutes. It was probably 8:30 or so, about 3+ hours or more since I was first crammed in. I was now running on fumes but certainly could not give up now. When Bjork walked out, the crowded crammed up again to the point where I was unable to move in any way at all. It was a vice from all directions. Bjork starts playing and it is absolutely stunning, which temporarily made much of my pain go away. Then it happened, at the end of the first song, the guy RIGHT next to me sticks his fingers in his mouth and lets out a long, screaming, ear piercing whistle that pretty much destroyed whatever hearing I had left. His head was no more than 1 foot away from my ear. It was impossible to move even 6 inches away because I was packed in so tight. This guy let out a airhorn after every single song, so I had to plug up my ears for about a minute, usually missing the end of the song.

So then the guy on my other side sticks his camera up above the crowd and starts snapping shots which of course is not allowed. The body guard by the stage saw this and pointed his super high beam flashlight right into the guys lens so he could not get a shot. Now I had a blinding white light in my face and a bone crushing whistler vibrating my head. I finally asked the whistler demon if he would stop. He just looked at me and went right back to it. The camera guy continued to snap pictures each time the bodyguard took a break with the light, the light went back up, the camera guy waited, then started it all over again. This continued to the end of the show.

Near the end of the show I had had enough and turned around to leave. It was impossible. The people behind me could not move a single inch out of the way because they were so pressed in. And I mean not an inch. I turned around and stood there not evening listening, no longer having even the slightest interest in this disaster. FINALLY, the show ended and the sardines around me slowly, ever so slowly started to move back. I now had room so I started walking. My knees gave out and i hit the ground in a hard thump. I had to sit there for probably 10 minutes before I could even get up. I walked to the beer stand, ordered two beers, and drank them both in 20 seconds. I had not eaten or drank in 7 hours.

I will never go to a concert again.